I only eat on days I write, but do not fear: though I have not been faithfully writing on this blog, as I had hoped to, I continue to write outside of the Internet, in my journal, in my Draw Near book, and more than enough in AP English.
Today, I wanted to share with you a list of language-related things that really irritate me.
You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?
After entertaining some thoughts while home alone, feeling sad, sick, and sorry for myself, I decided to put my pathetic physical and mental self to work. I have compiled a brief list of idiomatic errors that drive me absolutely bonkers. I understand that this means I am a huge loser, and that I have nothing better to do with my time. (during which I should be sleeping, drinking lots of fluids, and doing homework) I accept this judgment, and disregard it entirely. Also, I am not a grammar queen (the United States declared itself independent from a monarchy on 4 July, 1776), but I do like to think I have a fair grasp on conventional English rules. Correct my mistakes, if I should have any.
1. A picture is not a pitcher. A crayon is not a crawn. To wash is not to worsh. To drink is not to drank. And most importantly: an orange is not an ornch!
2. In standard American English, punctuation is placed WITHIN the quotation marks, unless it does not pertain directly to the quote.
For example: Have you heard the new song "This Song Title Was Made Up Just So Melissa Would Have A Sufficient Example For Her Note"?
Notise how the question mark is located OUTSIDE of the quotations, because the song title is not a question. Otherwise, the punctuation would basically be located inside the quote.
3. There are other words besides "good," "fine," "okay," and "alright" to use when describing how your day went. Every single time someone uses the above words to describe something, I want to kick them in the back of the knees. Lord have mercy on the person who's on the receiving end when I finally snap. http://thesaurus.reference.com/
4. Oh wee little dangling participle, whatever are we going to do with you?
For example: After rotting in the cellar for weeks, my brother brought the oranges upstairs.
Why is your brother rotting in the cellar? What's that you say? He isn't? OH, I see. The oranges (NOT ornches) are rotting.
This is a common mistake, and is the embarrassing result of a failure to verbally reread one's writing.
5. While I understand why some homophones are spelled incorrectly, I simply cannot come up with a reason as to why words that DO NOT SOUND ANYTHING ALIKE IF YOU SPEAK CLEARLY are used interchangeably.
For example: lose vs. loose (looze vs. looce), affect vs. effect (uh-fect vs. eh-fect), accept vs. except (ack-cept vs. ex-ept), and fax vs. facts (facks vs. factz)
These horrible crimes against humanity and the English language are most often the result of people not knowing that there are subtle differences between certain similar vowels and consonants.
6. The semi-colon is used to connect independent, albeit related, clauses; however, they should almost always be used in conjunction with a connecting word, such as "however," "therefore," and "but."
The colon is used to separate an independent clause from a list that follows it, to precede an explanation/example, to indicate a salutation, or to mark a time/title/passage (as in the Bible or a book title).
For example: "To: The Future Mrs. Melissa Homeyer"; "It's 9:00 on a Saturday..."; "The Draw Near memory verse for last week was James 4:8"; and "I need you to get the following things from Wal-Mart: a sledgehammer, some strawberries, and an Easy Bake oven"
7. Apostrophes should ONLY be used to indicate possession or contraction.
For example: That note was written in Melissa's own style. It wasn't written by her idiot friends.
8. I should of written a point somewhere in this note about the improper use of the word "of" when one means to use a contraction, and I could of, if I would of planned my day better.
9. You ARE allowed to stick adverbs into infinitives. It's the spice of life.
For example: I wanted TO BOLDLY GO where no kitten has ever gone before.
See how the adverb "boldly" was inserted into the infinite "to go"? Pretty nifty, huh?
10. Of all linguistic rules that I have seen broken, this one breaks my heart the most: the improper use of past-tense verbs.
For example: I would've came to your AP English study session, but I runned late because of something I had ate.
Typing the above sentence not only made me cry a little bit, but it also made me angry. Darling, we learned how to speak way back in the day, when we were young and immature. These horrible habits were instilled in us at our most critical age. If you are still making these types of mistakes, nobody loved you enough to correct you. And if someone did attempt correction, then you were too stupid to listen. If I wrote down every time I seen an error like this, I would have an entire novel wrote by now.
11. The next person who uses a double-negative in my presence is going to have a doubly negative life span. I can't get no satisfaction.
12. I'm glad to hear that I did good on that English test comparing the use of "good" and "well" when describing the quality of a previous action.
13. "Real" is an adjective that means "true, genuine, actual," whereas "really" is an adverb that means "truly, genuinely, actually." "Really" is also used to indicate the quality of something, as in "this note was really well-written."
14. There is no such word as "alot." And if you think there is, I will put you through alot of serious pain.
15. They're, there, and their. If you don't know this by now, go paper cut your eyeballs and squirt lime juice in them. I believe the neighbours have some self-destructive supplies that you may borrow. There is a lime in their refrigerator. I would see if they're home first, so as to avoid barging rudely in.
