stuck.

You know how I get all sentimental at night. Forgive me in advance, but I write as sincerely as ever. Even though I'm punch-drunk on flavoured water. Hehe.



What I feel right now is...unreal. And no, I'm not talking about the flavoured water getting to me. I'm being serious now.

I'm sure everyone's felt like this before. It's pretty common, I guess. We just don't talk about it. It's an unpleasant feeling, one you don't know how to react to or to put into words. Maybe you can relate...

Suffocated. Limited. Restricted. Useless. Trapped. Under-utilised. Ineffective.

Man, does it ever really occur to you how big the world is, and how little you are?

This realisation hits me like a riptide every time. And it makes me so motion sick, to think that I sit here on my duff and write lame Facebook notes while THE WORLD KEEPS SPINNING, so careless about what I do or say.

Shoot, I feel useless. Like I have this great purpose, this insane, out of control desire to SERVE and to HELP others and to MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE...but I don't know where to start. Or how to go about making effective, lasting changes.

Right now, I just feel this crazy urge to LOVE someone. It breaks my heart over and over and over again, insufferably so, to know that there are people out there right now who are starving, who are cold, who are sick, who are lonely.

While I sit here on my duff and write lame Facebook notes.

I don't know what to do. I feel a mixture of things.

I feel angry that, again, I'm sitting here on my duff and writing lame Facebook notes in my big comfortable home with air conditioning and heating and refrigerators and carpeted floors and solid walls and MATCHING LIGHT FIXTURES. I hate this. I hate feeling like I have so much useless crap when there are people who have houses smaller than my bedroom.

I. HATE. THIS.

Now, don't call me ungrateful just yet. I have been monumentally blessed with a supportive family and a great many material possessions (mostly wholly unnecessary). God has given me a tremendous amount of love and redemption, and He has provided for ALL of my needs, and yeah, a few of my ridiculous wants. I find incredible joy in view of His gifts and mercies.

But my joy is just not worth having if I can't share it with someone. Love isn't meant to be stowed away, or kept under lock and key and only taken out for the enjoyment of the holder. It's meant to be given. There are brothers and sisters out there, humans just like us, with feelings and souls. And so many of them die nameless because nobody bothered to look outside of their comfy cages into the REAL world.

You know, I cry for only two reasons.

One, because I am happy. I am ridiculously overly happy. I am so in love with my life and the people in it. I am happy to have a purpose, though I don't yet know the details. I am happy to have a full family, a full heart, and a full future. Of these three things, I am certain. And certainty brings with it a certain degree of happiness.

But I also cry because I am devastated. My heart is so broken. This world spins wildly out of control. It pains me to see people chase money and comfort and lust and power. We ruin relationships, we make a mess of marriage, we sabotage friendships, we disband families. We'll cut corners, ignore the people who need our help, just to get a leg up on the other guy. We buy things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like.

Meanwhile, PEOPLE STARVE.

People die from easily treatable diseases.
People freeze to death on the streets of cities.
People lose their few possessions to natural disasters.
People suffer from loneliness in a world of almost seven billion people.

This is unjust. And we let it happen. And it's driving me mad.

I feel weighted. Like it's my fault. Like it's my responsibility. Like it's MY wrong to let it all continue, when I'm so capable of leaving my comfortable life behind and chasing this vision of a better world.

I feel limited. Because in reality, I can't leave this place yet. I have to finish high school. Then I have to go to college. Then I have to finish my graduate studies. When the heck am I supposed to find any dadgum time to make differences? I mean, I know I can make small differences, and those count, too, but I want to do it on a bigger scale, with nobody holding me back from the world.

I feel powerless. I'm restricted by money, by responsibility, by expectations, by requirements. If I could truly abandon my immediate, material goals, I could go now. No questions asked. But I owe my parents. And my school. And my friends. And my insurance company. And my cell phone carrier. And my city. And my extended family. And everyone else who wants to own a part of my life. (this is good and bad sometimes, to owe yourself to others)

I feel like I'm making excuses. And I am. I could be doing more here in Northwest Arkansas. I could be reaching out online. I could be writing books. I could be starting an organisation. I could be doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

Instead of sitting on my duff and writing lame Facebook notes.

Talk about a lack of priorities!

You know what baffles me the most? Take a gander. Run through the forest with your eyes closed; see if you hit the right tree...or spare yourself the pain and read on...

WE HAVE WASTED POTENTIAL.

There is NOBODY holding us back.

We have this great ability to band together, as teenagers and young adults, and fight this cycle of hopelessness among some of the world's people. Yeah, it seems strange and scary, but if people gave up at the first sign of awkwardness, well, our parents probably would've never had kids.

And if we make ourselves out to be clueless, unorganised, or directionless, then we'll really just do our age group's stereotype a justice. So truthfully, we have nothing to lose in terms of how the world sees us. We're fortifying its opinions if we sit back and enjoy the ride...so anything we do to rise above complacency already exceeds expectations.

Sounds like a sweet deal to me. Nothing to lose, everything to gain.

I've said it before, and I'll maintain it now: humans are highly capable of creating, of constructing, of uniting, of rebelling, of changing, of progressing. We're the only ones holding ourselves back. Do you get that? Do you hear me loud and clear?

People have fought for less consequential things than world peace. I don't see why we bother holding back, when our cause is noble, when our minds are willing to engage in proactive thought, and when our bodies are ready to tear down and rebuild "the system."

Service isn't rebellion. It's just a different way of approaching the same world.

What's the worst that can happen? Someone says "oh that's so stupid, you're wasting your time"? It's not like your dignity will remain perfectly intact for the rest of your life. You're going to be challenged, and isn't this a challenge worth taking on?

I'm done waiting. Change doesn't HAPPEN. It's MADE. It's delicately crafted with strong but patient hands. It's an investment in the future. It's an investment in the present. And it's a big sucker-punch to the scars of the past.

I'm going. Full speed ahead.

Anybody with me?

affectionate.

A Letter to My Future Husband (whomever, wherever)

Hey there. It’s nice to finally talk to you. How ya been? Good, I hope.

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, since I’m basically about to start my independent life. I pray for you almost every day, and I hope that you’re out there somewhere, setting your own life into motion. I’m sure someday our paths will cross, and we’ll get the chance to weave our stories together. I just hope that I know it’s you when I see you. Everyone says they “just knew,” but I don’t think I’m that impulsive or foolish. But we shall see!

Until then, I want to tell you a few things about me, so there aren’t any quirky surprises later down the line. I’ve wanted to write this letter for a while now, and even if you don’t read it for years, maybe someday you’ll see this and just know that we were made for each other.

Firstly, I can’t cook. Forgive me in advance. I hope you are more skilled in the kitchen than I am, because darling, I can barely make toast, let alone a full meal. Seriously. My parents get edgy when I use the microwave. I’m a lost cause! So if you’re willing to shed a few pounds in the beginning, then we should work out just fine. Maybe you could teach me some things? I hope you have a culinary inclination. We’re in deep trouble if you don’t!!

Secondly, I’m all about changing the world. And if you’re not with me, then get the heck outta my way! I’m on a mission. One could even call it a “great commission.” Anyway, there’s a whole world out there, and I’m not going to miss a bit of it. So I hope you’re really into travelling. I can guarantee we’ll be doing A LOT of it.

Thirdly, I will not always agree with you, even when you’re right. I am super stubborn, and incredibly headstrong. I always have been. I like to make my own decisions. I like to go out alone. I like to hold my own. But there will occasionally be instances in which I have to cede to your flawless logic. Just don’t make too much fun of me when I fall on my face, okay? That’s called tactlessness. And it breaks my little bitty heart.

Fourthly, I intend to do everything in my power to protect and nurture you. Contrary to popular belief, I HAVE A SOUL. You will be my second priority in all things. (sorry, Jesus kinda takes the cake here…) I will do all I possibly can to ensure your happiness and success, and if there is ever a moment when you are down, I promise I will pick you up, dust you off, and keep walking forward with you. I am not one to quit when the going gets tough. I’ll be your partner in crime, your sidekick, and your best friend. I’m looking forward to it; I think we’ll make a great team.

Fifthly, I am great with money. I don’t have much, but what I do have, I guard carefully. You will never have to worry about me buying ridiculously unnecessary things, like gilded candleholders, themed coasters, and custom-shaped waffle makers. I mean seriously, I think we’ll have better things to spend our money on, like charity, philanthropy, and of course, travel. Money isn’t a huge priority to me (though I talk about it often), so if you’re not uber-rich, I still completely adore you. God will provide us with whatever we need. So I’m not all that concerned.

Sixthly, I sleep a lot. If my koala-like sleepiness (and cuddliness!) bothers you, then you need to find a way to make me like coffee, or give me daily caffeine injections. I love my shut-eye. The best cycles in the world are spin cycles, bi-cycles, and REM cycles. Also, I will never promise to wake up and look good. Sorry. My hair will be in various degrees of “OMG” and my face…well…you’ll see. It’s rather unpleasant. I suggest you wear an eye mask to sleep.

Seventhly, if we have kids (heaven forbid…I hate the little bloodsuckers), then I will be the bad cop in most situations. I’m all about responsibility, etiquette, discipline, knowledge, and perseverance. My kids will be brought up to be socially and academically conscious. Also, I will never EVER give “because I said so” as a reason for anything. I want my children to get answers for every question they ask. I am of the mentality that if neither I nor you can give an appropriate, logical reason for doing something, then the task is unreasonable and/or a waste of time. Also, I will never blow off our kids to do something selfish, such as watch a TV show, paint my nails (yeah right), or talk on the phone. My kids will be my third priority (bested by you and Jesus).

Eighthly, my sense of humour is cruel and unusual. It’s probably also a form of punishment in some countries. I want to let you know that if (and when) I tell you to jump off a cliff, I don’t literally mean for you to do it. That is, unless you are a professional cliff jumper. Then it’s okay, because you’ve received the proper training and certification to do something reckless and stupid like that. Otherwise, please know that I’m kidding. I will make light of dark situations, and will offer wit and sarcasm whenever it’s appropriate, and sometimes when it’s not. That’s just how I deal with things.

Ninthly, I’m really into trying new things. I don’t want to go to the same restaurants, watch the same movies, listen to the same songs, or wear the same clothes. I want some diversity, some variety, some spice! I hope you can stay on your toes enough to keep up with my spontaneous changes of pace. I promise I’ll keep you moving. That’s just more weight you’ll burn off, in addition to the weight you’re losing for my lack of home cooking. Haha.

Tenthly, I’m the jealous type. Until we’re married, I will constantly be worrying about other women. It’s more of a “Me thing” than a “You thing.” I worry that I’m not good enough, that I’m leaving you feeling like you’re missing something, that I’m not making you as happy as you should be. So if I ask a lot of questions about your ex-girlfriends, your old best friends, and your female co-workers, then don’t panic; this is just me covering my bases, trying to stave off my insecurities. I’ll try to keep it to a minimum, since I trust you and all, but there is only so much blind ignorance I can handle!

Eleventhly (darling, is that even a word?), YOUR PARENTS WILL TERRIFY ME. Now, I do fairly well in most social situations, but in the curious case of parents, I fail. I don’t know why. I usually get along well with mothers, but fathers always seem apprehensive. I don’t get it. I think they feel threatened? I dunno. In any case, your parents will make me feel very small. Since these are some of the most important people in your life, it is imperative that I get along with both of them. I hope you’ll help me out in that regard. Sing my praises, speak of my merit, I don’t care. I just want them to love me as much as I love you. Because it would absolutely suck to have in-law conflict. The stress that causes is nigh bearable.

Twelfthly, I’m very thorough. I bathe everything on me twice, I vacuum the floors using the extension tube because the main sucker isn’t “accurate” enough, I stack things perfectly, I repeat all tasks until they are done completely and correctly, and I am all about colour-coding my closet. Our house will be a clean house. Lived-in, certainly, but also clean. I don’t like to leave things scattered around, but I can’t say that’ll never happen with shoes and papers. I’m an unappealing shade of “inconsistent.”

Thirteenthly (okay, now my spell-check is freaking out), your happiness comes first. It is my job to ensure you are well-taken care of, and that you are never without love and support. If you lose your job, I’ll be there. If you are upset and want someone to talk to, I’ll be there. If you feel lonely, I’ll be there. If you need a helping hand around the house, I’ll be there. (grudgingly, but still there) I am at your disposal, and you are at mine. As your wife, I will be all about you and our family. (and Jesus…can’t forget that…) After all, what are spouses for?

Fourteenthly, I’m a go-getter. I’m all about winning, about racing, about achieving. I used to be “really really competitive,” and now I’ve mellowed out to just “really competitive.” If you want something, I’ll chase it down for you. I’ll personally pursue it. I will work toward a goal without resting or slowing down. I hope you can handle this furious persistence of mine. I’ve got plans and goals that I have no intention of putting on the backburner, so I pray against reality that you can tolerate my fierce determination, and maybe even possess a similar trait.

Fifteenthly, I stay up really late writing lame Facebook notes to and about you. Sorry if this is really creepy. It’s a bad little habit of mine. Ya dig?

I guess that concludes my letter for now. I’m sure there will be an extension to this later, but for now, I’ve said what I felt I needed to say. I hope that somewhere out there, you’re writing beautiful sonnets about me, like Michael Drayton’s “How Many Paltry Foolish Painted Things,” or writing amazing piano pieces for me, as does the fine specimen that IS Edward Cullen.

Forgive my temporary lapse of judgment. Edward Cullen is entirely fictional. I’m sure you’re better than him anyway. He’s a massive creeper.

Well love, keep your eyes peeled. You never know when we’ll run into each other. Hopefully the pain and awkwardness will be minimal, so as to preserve our fragile egos! ;)

Until then, my friend.

Yours Entirely Truly,

M.

pragmatic.

For the first time in a long time, I can breathe.

It's more than just an inhale, more than oxygen rushing back into my blood after a long era of thirst. It's more than my throat loosening up, more than my stomach calming down, more than my muscles rehydrating.

It's peace.

Complete. Total. Absolute.
Peace.

I know that most, if not all people come to a crossroads in life where they must make a monumental decision, choose battles wisely, reassess priorities, etc. Most people experience several of these interchanges throughout their lifetime.

For the first time in my life, I have reached one such junction.

It has taken hours of self-convincing, days of continuous mental nagging, weeks of reprioritising, and months of preparation, but I have made my decision to abandon the things that hold me back from surrendering to surrender.

It's not apathy that relieves my fears; it's acceptance of what I can and cannot change. The future. My appearance. My family. And all other things finite.

I am surrendering to the fact that I cannot make a college like me, no matter how much I try to pad my résumés and edit my essays and sell my soul to their admissions counselors. At this point, I simply don't see a reason to stress. What's gonna happen is gonna happen. I can confidently say that I have done my best, and cannot offer more to any college without risking insincerity or pretentiousness. If they want me, they'll take me, and if I'm not good enough, they'll reject me. Either way, right now, I'm ready for all mail, bring it good news or bad. I'll go where the good Lord sends me, and if I'm dead before I make it there, then He did me a right nice favour.

I am surrendering to the fact that I am not attractive. I don't mean unattractive or not beautiful; rather, just not attractive. Now before everyone goes all "Oh but it's the inside that counts!" and "Oh but you have cool hair!" I want you to know that no matter what you or anybody else says, this is the opinion I have come to establish of myself, and I don't want anybody to bother it or try to change it. It is not about appealing to boys, or competing with girls...it's about feeling happy with myself. I am completely content in my own skin, and wouldn't change any of it. I have finally come to accept and love myself as I am; don't take that away from me.

I am surrendering to the fact that I cannot trade my parents for compassionate, selfless servants of God, no matter how much I pray or bite my tongue. It's not my job. It's not in my power. I can't change how vain my family is, I can't change how selfish my family is, I can't change how money-centered my family is, I can't change how controlling and limiting my parents are. But I can accept it, deal with it for a few more months, give my thanks, and take my leave. I can reinvent myself to be the best person I can be, and bring back a finished product someday. The best part is I don't have to look back, though I will, of course. I have accepted my family as they are, and have decided to wait until I am free, to look back and smile. For now, I turn and walk in my own direction.

I am surrendering to the fact that I have lost my job. I have come to realise that it is for the better, and that free seminar periods and free after-school hours are what I WANT, and have wanted for at least half a year now. I am finally getting my time back, to do with what I please. And this makes me so happy. To know that I will finally get away from the drama and the expectations of others makes me feel alive again. It's been so long since I have hung out with friends after school, or since I have been able to go to a club meeting without feeling guilty. I don't need the money, and I want the time, so this is all-around a fair reconciliation. I am at amicable peace.

I am surrendering to the fact that I will die. I've thought a lot about my death, and have come to realise that absolutely nothing I do or say will be remembered if it doesn't have at least some small impact on someone else. I believe that if I make a positive difference to at least ONE person, somewhere out there, then my life was lived fully and completely, and I will leave this world feeling as though I had fulfilled my purpose. And for this reason, because I know I have impacted at least one person out there somewhere, I am not afraid to die. In fact, I am eager. Death is such a sad thing; why, I don't know. But it is. And I hope that in my death, I am not missed. I hope people will look at what I did and say, "That's great, but how we can IMRPOVE it, take it ONE STEP FURTHER?" The true measure of a leader is not the cause they championed, but the number of followers who hold steadfast to the cause long after their leader has passed.

I am surrendering to the fact that I am small. Not physically (say what you will), but existentially. In the grand scheme of things, I'm a microscopic little blip in history. I'm here, I breathe a couple times, and I'm gone. I leave some dust behind, maybe some ashes, but my soul is departed. Lately it's been on my heart and mind that I am so perpetually tiny, and that very little of what I say has a ripple effect. I'm not a prodigy, a genius, a model, an example. I'm just normal, and right now, normal is what I want to be. The competition and jealousy that today's teens experience is unhealthy and damaging to the soul. I have put this behind me. I'm looking forward to a bright new world, one where I can make a difference and ultimately change the worldscape that future generations will live in and improve upon. I demand progress. I expect it. And I will instigate it. Then I will die. And hopefully by then, what I have set into motion will continue to revolutionise the way we look at each other and our world.

My current state of mind is restful. I don't feel philosophical or emotional. I don't know whether to cry, or to smile, or to laugh. I feel as though any of the above actions would disrupt this stillness. For once, I just want to breathe. I just want to sit in silence and hear my internal music continue. There is no music more beautifully composed than the pulse of my heart echoing through my veins.

Back to love.

I have seen the devastation and destruction caused by mankind. I have seen the affliction and the suffering and the trauma and the loneliness and the despair and the poverty. Not all firsthand, but it doesn't need to be physically present to be felt, I believe.

Humans are SO capable of building each other up, of supporting and caring for each other, of laughing, smiling, sharing joy, comforting one another, and creating life.

And so, it is a great tragedy that humans are also capable of breaking each other down, of criticising and discouraging each other, of inflicting pain on others, of ruining families, and of consciously destroying life. With words. Weapons. And war.

For a species so capable of good, we sure do a lot of bad.

It is my ultimate goal to change this. Starting with myself. I've had a lot of sincere apologies collecting dust in the back of my head. I've had a lot of rusty Christian virtues revolving slowly in my mind. And I've got this threadbare love complex that's just rotted away for lack of use.

And I'm sick of it.

I'm so dadgum SICK of the way things are.

I'm sick of vanity, and anxiety, everybody always having to get their way NOW. We're in such a rush to get somewhere, and when we finally do, we turn around and make a mad dash to the next destination. Where in this madness do we taste fulfillment? I simply don't see why we have to run each other over in an attempt to satiate our empty desires. I just don't get it. And I don't get why we can't all see that WE'RE ALL HEADING IN THE SAME DIRECTION. You are born with nothing. And you will die with nothing. So what have you lost? NOTHING. So take your time. Drive in the right-hand lane. Stop and hold the door for somebody. Start a conversation with an old friend. And forfeit yourself, for a few warm moments of happiness.

I'm sick of making resolutions that I never live up to. Most of it stems from the fact that I am deathly afraid of rejection. I'm scared just thinking about changing how I treat others. What if they think something's wrong with me? What if I say something stupid? What if I try to be serious and they think I'm joking? What if the damage has already been done? These thoughts keep careening through my head, and I haven't been able to shake them until now. It got so bad that I just said, stop. I have had enough. I have nothing and everything to lose. My life, until my death, is subject to my interpretation. Ergo, I am blazing my own trail. Anybody that wants to walk after me is welcome.

I'm sick of anger. I have gone through phases in my life where anger was the only thing I felt for weeks on end. I have seen and read about anger ruining marriages, friendships, churches, and even entire countries. I've had my fair share of it, and I'm here to throw it back. I'm done with feeling like the world owes me something. If anything, I owe the world. Through suffering and injustices, I have been made stronger and more prepared to enable others to fight back. Anger is a state of mind, and now that I have accepted control over my mind, I'm exiling anger. I'm putting my fire down and planting flowers with my free, bare hands. My war is over.

More than anything else, I am sick of fear. My own fear, as well as the fear of others. What do we have to be afraid of? Death is just another thing that happens in life. Rejection is a widespread feeling; everyone can relate. Public speaking is humourous. Small spaces are comfortable, and big spaces are breathable. There is nothing and no one left to fear but God. And that's really just a love/fear relationship. So in reality, in the physical, tangible Earth, we should be fearlessly exploring, fearlessly embracing, fearlessly inventing, fearlessly innovating, and fearlessly loving our species.

I have accepted myself. And my past. And my future. And it is with keen, clear eyes that I greet all three with a smile, and a nod, and a heart open to infinite possibilities.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." -Jimi Hendrix