stuck.

You know how I get all sentimental at night. Forgive me in advance, but I write as sincerely as ever. Even though I'm punch-drunk on flavoured water. Hehe.



What I feel right now is...unreal. And no, I'm not talking about the flavoured water getting to me. I'm being serious now.

I'm sure everyone's felt like this before. It's pretty common, I guess. We just don't talk about it. It's an unpleasant feeling, one you don't know how to react to or to put into words. Maybe you can relate...

Suffocated. Limited. Restricted. Useless. Trapped. Under-utilised. Ineffective.

Man, does it ever really occur to you how big the world is, and how little you are?

This realisation hits me like a riptide every time. And it makes me so motion sick, to think that I sit here on my duff and write lame Facebook notes while THE WORLD KEEPS SPINNING, so careless about what I do or say.

Shoot, I feel useless. Like I have this great purpose, this insane, out of control desire to SERVE and to HELP others and to MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE...but I don't know where to start. Or how to go about making effective, lasting changes.

Right now, I just feel this crazy urge to LOVE someone. It breaks my heart over and over and over again, insufferably so, to know that there are people out there right now who are starving, who are cold, who are sick, who are lonely.

While I sit here on my duff and write lame Facebook notes.

I don't know what to do. I feel a mixture of things.

I feel angry that, again, I'm sitting here on my duff and writing lame Facebook notes in my big comfortable home with air conditioning and heating and refrigerators and carpeted floors and solid walls and MATCHING LIGHT FIXTURES. I hate this. I hate feeling like I have so much useless crap when there are people who have houses smaller than my bedroom.

I. HATE. THIS.

Now, don't call me ungrateful just yet. I have been monumentally blessed with a supportive family and a great many material possessions (mostly wholly unnecessary). God has given me a tremendous amount of love and redemption, and He has provided for ALL of my needs, and yeah, a few of my ridiculous wants. I find incredible joy in view of His gifts and mercies.

But my joy is just not worth having if I can't share it with someone. Love isn't meant to be stowed away, or kept under lock and key and only taken out for the enjoyment of the holder. It's meant to be given. There are brothers and sisters out there, humans just like us, with feelings and souls. And so many of them die nameless because nobody bothered to look outside of their comfy cages into the REAL world.

You know, I cry for only two reasons.

One, because I am happy. I am ridiculously overly happy. I am so in love with my life and the people in it. I am happy to have a purpose, though I don't yet know the details. I am happy to have a full family, a full heart, and a full future. Of these three things, I am certain. And certainty brings with it a certain degree of happiness.

But I also cry because I am devastated. My heart is so broken. This world spins wildly out of control. It pains me to see people chase money and comfort and lust and power. We ruin relationships, we make a mess of marriage, we sabotage friendships, we disband families. We'll cut corners, ignore the people who need our help, just to get a leg up on the other guy. We buy things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like.

Meanwhile, PEOPLE STARVE.

People die from easily treatable diseases.
People freeze to death on the streets of cities.
People lose their few possessions to natural disasters.
People suffer from loneliness in a world of almost seven billion people.

This is unjust. And we let it happen. And it's driving me mad.

I feel weighted. Like it's my fault. Like it's my responsibility. Like it's MY wrong to let it all continue, when I'm so capable of leaving my comfortable life behind and chasing this vision of a better world.

I feel limited. Because in reality, I can't leave this place yet. I have to finish high school. Then I have to go to college. Then I have to finish my graduate studies. When the heck am I supposed to find any dadgum time to make differences? I mean, I know I can make small differences, and those count, too, but I want to do it on a bigger scale, with nobody holding me back from the world.

I feel powerless. I'm restricted by money, by responsibility, by expectations, by requirements. If I could truly abandon my immediate, material goals, I could go now. No questions asked. But I owe my parents. And my school. And my friends. And my insurance company. And my cell phone carrier. And my city. And my extended family. And everyone else who wants to own a part of my life. (this is good and bad sometimes, to owe yourself to others)

I feel like I'm making excuses. And I am. I could be doing more here in Northwest Arkansas. I could be reaching out online. I could be writing books. I could be starting an organisation. I could be doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

Instead of sitting on my duff and writing lame Facebook notes.

Talk about a lack of priorities!

You know what baffles me the most? Take a gander. Run through the forest with your eyes closed; see if you hit the right tree...or spare yourself the pain and read on...

WE HAVE WASTED POTENTIAL.

There is NOBODY holding us back.

We have this great ability to band together, as teenagers and young adults, and fight this cycle of hopelessness among some of the world's people. Yeah, it seems strange and scary, but if people gave up at the first sign of awkwardness, well, our parents probably would've never had kids.

And if we make ourselves out to be clueless, unorganised, or directionless, then we'll really just do our age group's stereotype a justice. So truthfully, we have nothing to lose in terms of how the world sees us. We're fortifying its opinions if we sit back and enjoy the ride...so anything we do to rise above complacency already exceeds expectations.

Sounds like a sweet deal to me. Nothing to lose, everything to gain.

I've said it before, and I'll maintain it now: humans are highly capable of creating, of constructing, of uniting, of rebelling, of changing, of progressing. We're the only ones holding ourselves back. Do you get that? Do you hear me loud and clear?

People have fought for less consequential things than world peace. I don't see why we bother holding back, when our cause is noble, when our minds are willing to engage in proactive thought, and when our bodies are ready to tear down and rebuild "the system."

Service isn't rebellion. It's just a different way of approaching the same world.

What's the worst that can happen? Someone says "oh that's so stupid, you're wasting your time"? It's not like your dignity will remain perfectly intact for the rest of your life. You're going to be challenged, and isn't this a challenge worth taking on?

I'm done waiting. Change doesn't HAPPEN. It's MADE. It's delicately crafted with strong but patient hands. It's an investment in the future. It's an investment in the present. And it's a big sucker-punch to the scars of the past.

I'm going. Full speed ahead.

Anybody with me?