affectionate.

A Letter to My Future Husband (whomever, wherever)

Hey there. It’s nice to finally talk to you. How ya been? Good, I hope.

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, since I’m basically about to start my independent life. I pray for you almost every day, and I hope that you’re out there somewhere, setting your own life into motion. I’m sure someday our paths will cross, and we’ll get the chance to weave our stories together. I just hope that I know it’s you when I see you. Everyone says they “just knew,” but I don’t think I’m that impulsive or foolish. But we shall see!

Until then, I want to tell you a few things about me, so there aren’t any quirky surprises later down the line. I’ve wanted to write this letter for a while now, and even if you don’t read it for years, maybe someday you’ll see this and just know that we were made for each other.

Firstly, I can’t cook. Forgive me in advance. I hope you are more skilled in the kitchen than I am, because darling, I can barely make toast, let alone a full meal. Seriously. My parents get edgy when I use the microwave. I’m a lost cause! So if you’re willing to shed a few pounds in the beginning, then we should work out just fine. Maybe you could teach me some things? I hope you have a culinary inclination. We’re in deep trouble if you don’t!!

Secondly, I’m all about changing the world. And if you’re not with me, then get the heck outta my way! I’m on a mission. One could even call it a “great commission.” Anyway, there’s a whole world out there, and I’m not going to miss a bit of it. So I hope you’re really into travelling. I can guarantee we’ll be doing A LOT of it.

Thirdly, I will not always agree with you, even when you’re right. I am super stubborn, and incredibly headstrong. I always have been. I like to make my own decisions. I like to go out alone. I like to hold my own. But there will occasionally be instances in which I have to cede to your flawless logic. Just don’t make too much fun of me when I fall on my face, okay? That’s called tactlessness. And it breaks my little bitty heart.

Fourthly, I intend to do everything in my power to protect and nurture you. Contrary to popular belief, I HAVE A SOUL. You will be my second priority in all things. (sorry, Jesus kinda takes the cake here…) I will do all I possibly can to ensure your happiness and success, and if there is ever a moment when you are down, I promise I will pick you up, dust you off, and keep walking forward with you. I am not one to quit when the going gets tough. I’ll be your partner in crime, your sidekick, and your best friend. I’m looking forward to it; I think we’ll make a great team.

Fifthly, I am great with money. I don’t have much, but what I do have, I guard carefully. You will never have to worry about me buying ridiculously unnecessary things, like gilded candleholders, themed coasters, and custom-shaped waffle makers. I mean seriously, I think we’ll have better things to spend our money on, like charity, philanthropy, and of course, travel. Money isn’t a huge priority to me (though I talk about it often), so if you’re not uber-rich, I still completely adore you. God will provide us with whatever we need. So I’m not all that concerned.

Sixthly, I sleep a lot. If my koala-like sleepiness (and cuddliness!) bothers you, then you need to find a way to make me like coffee, or give me daily caffeine injections. I love my shut-eye. The best cycles in the world are spin cycles, bi-cycles, and REM cycles. Also, I will never promise to wake up and look good. Sorry. My hair will be in various degrees of “OMG” and my face…well…you’ll see. It’s rather unpleasant. I suggest you wear an eye mask to sleep.

Seventhly, if we have kids (heaven forbid…I hate the little bloodsuckers), then I will be the bad cop in most situations. I’m all about responsibility, etiquette, discipline, knowledge, and perseverance. My kids will be brought up to be socially and academically conscious. Also, I will never EVER give “because I said so” as a reason for anything. I want my children to get answers for every question they ask. I am of the mentality that if neither I nor you can give an appropriate, logical reason for doing something, then the task is unreasonable and/or a waste of time. Also, I will never blow off our kids to do something selfish, such as watch a TV show, paint my nails (yeah right), or talk on the phone. My kids will be my third priority (bested by you and Jesus).

Eighthly, my sense of humour is cruel and unusual. It’s probably also a form of punishment in some countries. I want to let you know that if (and when) I tell you to jump off a cliff, I don’t literally mean for you to do it. That is, unless you are a professional cliff jumper. Then it’s okay, because you’ve received the proper training and certification to do something reckless and stupid like that. Otherwise, please know that I’m kidding. I will make light of dark situations, and will offer wit and sarcasm whenever it’s appropriate, and sometimes when it’s not. That’s just how I deal with things.

Ninthly, I’m really into trying new things. I don’t want to go to the same restaurants, watch the same movies, listen to the same songs, or wear the same clothes. I want some diversity, some variety, some spice! I hope you can stay on your toes enough to keep up with my spontaneous changes of pace. I promise I’ll keep you moving. That’s just more weight you’ll burn off, in addition to the weight you’re losing for my lack of home cooking. Haha.

Tenthly, I’m the jealous type. Until we’re married, I will constantly be worrying about other women. It’s more of a “Me thing” than a “You thing.” I worry that I’m not good enough, that I’m leaving you feeling like you’re missing something, that I’m not making you as happy as you should be. So if I ask a lot of questions about your ex-girlfriends, your old best friends, and your female co-workers, then don’t panic; this is just me covering my bases, trying to stave off my insecurities. I’ll try to keep it to a minimum, since I trust you and all, but there is only so much blind ignorance I can handle!

Eleventhly (darling, is that even a word?), YOUR PARENTS WILL TERRIFY ME. Now, I do fairly well in most social situations, but in the curious case of parents, I fail. I don’t know why. I usually get along well with mothers, but fathers always seem apprehensive. I don’t get it. I think they feel threatened? I dunno. In any case, your parents will make me feel very small. Since these are some of the most important people in your life, it is imperative that I get along with both of them. I hope you’ll help me out in that regard. Sing my praises, speak of my merit, I don’t care. I just want them to love me as much as I love you. Because it would absolutely suck to have in-law conflict. The stress that causes is nigh bearable.

Twelfthly, I’m very thorough. I bathe everything on me twice, I vacuum the floors using the extension tube because the main sucker isn’t “accurate” enough, I stack things perfectly, I repeat all tasks until they are done completely and correctly, and I am all about colour-coding my closet. Our house will be a clean house. Lived-in, certainly, but also clean. I don’t like to leave things scattered around, but I can’t say that’ll never happen with shoes and papers. I’m an unappealing shade of “inconsistent.”

Thirteenthly (okay, now my spell-check is freaking out), your happiness comes first. It is my job to ensure you are well-taken care of, and that you are never without love and support. If you lose your job, I’ll be there. If you are upset and want someone to talk to, I’ll be there. If you feel lonely, I’ll be there. If you need a helping hand around the house, I’ll be there. (grudgingly, but still there) I am at your disposal, and you are at mine. As your wife, I will be all about you and our family. (and Jesus…can’t forget that…) After all, what are spouses for?

Fourteenthly, I’m a go-getter. I’m all about winning, about racing, about achieving. I used to be “really really competitive,” and now I’ve mellowed out to just “really competitive.” If you want something, I’ll chase it down for you. I’ll personally pursue it. I will work toward a goal without resting or slowing down. I hope you can handle this furious persistence of mine. I’ve got plans and goals that I have no intention of putting on the backburner, so I pray against reality that you can tolerate my fierce determination, and maybe even possess a similar trait.

Fifteenthly, I stay up really late writing lame Facebook notes to and about you. Sorry if this is really creepy. It’s a bad little habit of mine. Ya dig?

I guess that concludes my letter for now. I’m sure there will be an extension to this later, but for now, I’ve said what I felt I needed to say. I hope that somewhere out there, you’re writing beautiful sonnets about me, like Michael Drayton’s “How Many Paltry Foolish Painted Things,” or writing amazing piano pieces for me, as does the fine specimen that IS Edward Cullen.

Forgive my temporary lapse of judgment. Edward Cullen is entirely fictional. I’m sure you’re better than him anyway. He’s a massive creeper.

Well love, keep your eyes peeled. You never know when we’ll run into each other. Hopefully the pain and awkwardness will be minimal, so as to preserve our fragile egos! ;)

Until then, my friend.

Yours Entirely Truly,

M.