pragmatic.

For the first time in a long time, I can breathe.

It's more than just an inhale, more than oxygen rushing back into my blood after a long era of thirst. It's more than my throat loosening up, more than my stomach calming down, more than my muscles rehydrating.

It's peace.

Complete. Total. Absolute.
Peace.

I know that most, if not all people come to a crossroads in life where they must make a monumental decision, choose battles wisely, reassess priorities, etc. Most people experience several of these interchanges throughout their lifetime.

For the first time in my life, I have reached one such junction.

It has taken hours of self-convincing, days of continuous mental nagging, weeks of reprioritising, and months of preparation, but I have made my decision to abandon the things that hold me back from surrendering to surrender.

It's not apathy that relieves my fears; it's acceptance of what I can and cannot change. The future. My appearance. My family. And all other things finite.

I am surrendering to the fact that I cannot make a college like me, no matter how much I try to pad my résumés and edit my essays and sell my soul to their admissions counselors. At this point, I simply don't see a reason to stress. What's gonna happen is gonna happen. I can confidently say that I have done my best, and cannot offer more to any college without risking insincerity or pretentiousness. If they want me, they'll take me, and if I'm not good enough, they'll reject me. Either way, right now, I'm ready for all mail, bring it good news or bad. I'll go where the good Lord sends me, and if I'm dead before I make it there, then He did me a right nice favour.

I am surrendering to the fact that I am not attractive. I don't mean unattractive or not beautiful; rather, just not attractive. Now before everyone goes all "Oh but it's the inside that counts!" and "Oh but you have cool hair!" I want you to know that no matter what you or anybody else says, this is the opinion I have come to establish of myself, and I don't want anybody to bother it or try to change it. It is not about appealing to boys, or competing with girls...it's about feeling happy with myself. I am completely content in my own skin, and wouldn't change any of it. I have finally come to accept and love myself as I am; don't take that away from me.

I am surrendering to the fact that I cannot trade my parents for compassionate, selfless servants of God, no matter how much I pray or bite my tongue. It's not my job. It's not in my power. I can't change how vain my family is, I can't change how selfish my family is, I can't change how money-centered my family is, I can't change how controlling and limiting my parents are. But I can accept it, deal with it for a few more months, give my thanks, and take my leave. I can reinvent myself to be the best person I can be, and bring back a finished product someday. The best part is I don't have to look back, though I will, of course. I have accepted my family as they are, and have decided to wait until I am free, to look back and smile. For now, I turn and walk in my own direction.

I am surrendering to the fact that I have lost my job. I have come to realise that it is for the better, and that free seminar periods and free after-school hours are what I WANT, and have wanted for at least half a year now. I am finally getting my time back, to do with what I please. And this makes me so happy. To know that I will finally get away from the drama and the expectations of others makes me feel alive again. It's been so long since I have hung out with friends after school, or since I have been able to go to a club meeting without feeling guilty. I don't need the money, and I want the time, so this is all-around a fair reconciliation. I am at amicable peace.

I am surrendering to the fact that I will die. I've thought a lot about my death, and have come to realise that absolutely nothing I do or say will be remembered if it doesn't have at least some small impact on someone else. I believe that if I make a positive difference to at least ONE person, somewhere out there, then my life was lived fully and completely, and I will leave this world feeling as though I had fulfilled my purpose. And for this reason, because I know I have impacted at least one person out there somewhere, I am not afraid to die. In fact, I am eager. Death is such a sad thing; why, I don't know. But it is. And I hope that in my death, I am not missed. I hope people will look at what I did and say, "That's great, but how we can IMRPOVE it, take it ONE STEP FURTHER?" The true measure of a leader is not the cause they championed, but the number of followers who hold steadfast to the cause long after their leader has passed.

I am surrendering to the fact that I am small. Not physically (say what you will), but existentially. In the grand scheme of things, I'm a microscopic little blip in history. I'm here, I breathe a couple times, and I'm gone. I leave some dust behind, maybe some ashes, but my soul is departed. Lately it's been on my heart and mind that I am so perpetually tiny, and that very little of what I say has a ripple effect. I'm not a prodigy, a genius, a model, an example. I'm just normal, and right now, normal is what I want to be. The competition and jealousy that today's teens experience is unhealthy and damaging to the soul. I have put this behind me. I'm looking forward to a bright new world, one where I can make a difference and ultimately change the worldscape that future generations will live in and improve upon. I demand progress. I expect it. And I will instigate it. Then I will die. And hopefully by then, what I have set into motion will continue to revolutionise the way we look at each other and our world.

My current state of mind is restful. I don't feel philosophical or emotional. I don't know whether to cry, or to smile, or to laugh. I feel as though any of the above actions would disrupt this stillness. For once, I just want to breathe. I just want to sit in silence and hear my internal music continue. There is no music more beautifully composed than the pulse of my heart echoing through my veins.

Back to love.

I have seen the devastation and destruction caused by mankind. I have seen the affliction and the suffering and the trauma and the loneliness and the despair and the poverty. Not all firsthand, but it doesn't need to be physically present to be felt, I believe.

Humans are SO capable of building each other up, of supporting and caring for each other, of laughing, smiling, sharing joy, comforting one another, and creating life.

And so, it is a great tragedy that humans are also capable of breaking each other down, of criticising and discouraging each other, of inflicting pain on others, of ruining families, and of consciously destroying life. With words. Weapons. And war.

For a species so capable of good, we sure do a lot of bad.

It is my ultimate goal to change this. Starting with myself. I've had a lot of sincere apologies collecting dust in the back of my head. I've had a lot of rusty Christian virtues revolving slowly in my mind. And I've got this threadbare love complex that's just rotted away for lack of use.

And I'm sick of it.

I'm so dadgum SICK of the way things are.

I'm sick of vanity, and anxiety, everybody always having to get their way NOW. We're in such a rush to get somewhere, and when we finally do, we turn around and make a mad dash to the next destination. Where in this madness do we taste fulfillment? I simply don't see why we have to run each other over in an attempt to satiate our empty desires. I just don't get it. And I don't get why we can't all see that WE'RE ALL HEADING IN THE SAME DIRECTION. You are born with nothing. And you will die with nothing. So what have you lost? NOTHING. So take your time. Drive in the right-hand lane. Stop and hold the door for somebody. Start a conversation with an old friend. And forfeit yourself, for a few warm moments of happiness.

I'm sick of making resolutions that I never live up to. Most of it stems from the fact that I am deathly afraid of rejection. I'm scared just thinking about changing how I treat others. What if they think something's wrong with me? What if I say something stupid? What if I try to be serious and they think I'm joking? What if the damage has already been done? These thoughts keep careening through my head, and I haven't been able to shake them until now. It got so bad that I just said, stop. I have had enough. I have nothing and everything to lose. My life, until my death, is subject to my interpretation. Ergo, I am blazing my own trail. Anybody that wants to walk after me is welcome.

I'm sick of anger. I have gone through phases in my life where anger was the only thing I felt for weeks on end. I have seen and read about anger ruining marriages, friendships, churches, and even entire countries. I've had my fair share of it, and I'm here to throw it back. I'm done with feeling like the world owes me something. If anything, I owe the world. Through suffering and injustices, I have been made stronger and more prepared to enable others to fight back. Anger is a state of mind, and now that I have accepted control over my mind, I'm exiling anger. I'm putting my fire down and planting flowers with my free, bare hands. My war is over.

More than anything else, I am sick of fear. My own fear, as well as the fear of others. What do we have to be afraid of? Death is just another thing that happens in life. Rejection is a widespread feeling; everyone can relate. Public speaking is humourous. Small spaces are comfortable, and big spaces are breathable. There is nothing and no one left to fear but God. And that's really just a love/fear relationship. So in reality, in the physical, tangible Earth, we should be fearlessly exploring, fearlessly embracing, fearlessly inventing, fearlessly innovating, and fearlessly loving our species.

I have accepted myself. And my past. And my future. And it is with keen, clear eyes that I greet all three with a smile, and a nod, and a heart open to infinite possibilities.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." -Jimi Hendrix