endless.

I feel absolutely infinite.

Like nothing anybody could do or say could possibly bring me down from this rush. This...well I don't think "feeling" really suits it. It's more like...like...

Well I don't know how to describe it.

Plainly, it feels like I could love the foulest, cruelest, meanest person on earth. Like there is nothing in me that could possibly hate or harm anyone.

It's dangerous to admit it, but...

...I feel like I can finally love again. Under any circumstance. Any condition.

I know exactly what brought that on, but it implicates a couple of people, some secrets, and lots of closed-door discussions, and so I'll keep those little stories to myself, but the gist of it is this:

Over the last two weeks, I have encountered more brokenness than I ever expected, from the people I least expected. Old friends, old flames, and even my own family members. It seems like everyone's just hiding under a gloss, so their real selves are hidden and replaced by something strong and pretty, or at least something that doesn't invite speculation.

But in reality...they're wounded. And they've developed clever systems to hide it.

In a way, this ability to love has always been in me. Maybe not manifested, but definitely always there. I've never truly hated anybody, though I have held grudges and resentment and bitterness against those who I felt hurt me. Even that is a thing of the past. I can't remember the last time I really held a fault against someone. Really. It's been a long while.

Looking back, I see that even at my weakest points, I still somehow always had a little extra to give to those who were also hurting. I know where it came from too, but that is a different matter. Ask me about this one in person, and I will show you.

In any case...

I don't understand why people feel like they have to be who they're not. Or watered down versions of who they are.

Having been there myself (on a great many occasions), I can reasonably speculate that it stems from the fear of rejection, or failure. Or even betrayal, I suppose. For girls especially, the fear of judgment.

And I think it's very sad. Sad that people have developed an ability/desire to hurt others. Sometimes it's an accident, sometimes it's pre-meditated.

Regardless, we hurt each other. And after we burn our bridges good and fast, we move on and keep doing the same things to other people...completely unaware (or at least giving the impression) that there is a very confused, broken person still standing on the other side of the ashes.

I don't get it. I just don't. It keeps me up at night. It haunts me everywhere. It dominates my mind, even when I'm in focused conversation. Everything about this gets under my skin. When I see people hurting, it infuriates my heart. I feel the injustice of it, in my deepest being, but I never quite understand the blind rage.

Maybe it perplexes me, that people wear masks, because I finally shed mine. It only took, like, eighteen years, but I did it. And of course, it's a continual process, so I expect I'm not finished yet. I'll let you know in a few decades.

Someone once told me...very recently, actually...that I was a nice girl, behind all the walls.

I think that's what set it off. That small, off-hand remark, and its particular timing in my life. I was never expecting to truly be myself again, and in a moment of what I then-viewed as weakness, I was strong enough to do it. Let down my guard, if only for a moment, and against my better judgment.

That one little comment sparked it all. At first, I reacted like I do...all distraught, huffy puffy, exposed...and I shut down again. But that comment just kept coming back and kicking me in the jaw. For weeks. Constantly.

So I thought about it. Prayed over it. Talked to my closest friends about it.

And I realised...well I realised that there's some strength in weakness. That even when I see myself as vulnerable and exposed, I'm also quite real and honest and alive. Unfortunately, my judgment was not sound enough to handle the shock at the time, and I walked (actually, I ran) away from what could have been (and could possibly still be, if I wasn't such a git) a beautiful friendship, if nothing more or less.

My ability to cope with my own conflicting emotions has been a war, but I'm fighting my battles as earnestly as ever. Maybe someday, someone will love me as much as I love them, and there will be nothing but loyalty, trust, peace, understanding, and affection between us. For now, I am content to love the world at large. God willing, my 'world" will eventually be a specific someone, but I've got so much personal improvement to do before I could possibly commit like that.

Whoa, where is my head at? ADHD. Geez. Sorry. This is another post entirely. My ability to exist in a relationship was utterly decimated, and I'm just barely rebuilding. More on this later. Promise.

Anyway...

I've tried it out, this whole "being open" thing. Mostly, it works. Granted, there will always be people who seek to destroy, to take advantage, and to hurt. But I think I'm reasonably well-prepared. And I'm definitely a hell of a lot smarter than I was when I started this love crusade.

The bottom line is that I love you. I don't know who you are, why you're reading this, or if you even know me. I don't care. I still love you. Because you're you. Because you and me, we still have a lot in common. And I don't care the things you've done, the things you've said, the people you've hurt and healed...it doesn't matter. I'm not keeping count.

I have the beautiful gift of forgiveness. And as of recently, I have the gift of forgiving myself.

I love you. And nothing you could possibly do would make me love you less. I am here for humanity, to be with it and part of it, but not of it. I'm here to spread love and joy and peace, which flows from the Father and through me. That's what I was called to do; it's a purpose I joyfully accept. And so I love you freely and without restraint.

My only hope is that by the end, you will love me, too. Because everyone could use a little more love, don't you think? A little more trust, a little more acceptance, a little more encouragement.

Then we can be beautiful again.

"How big is the universe?"
"Infinite."
"How do you know?"
"I know because all the data indicates it's infinite."
"But it hasn't been proven yet."
"No."
"You haven't seen it?"
"No."
"Then how do you know for sure?"
"I don't. I just believe it."
"It's the same with love."

All my love, Reader.
All my love.