scared.

This is a pretty personal thing to admit in public forum, but it's the truth, and I'm all about that.

It's this reeeeeally deep fear that just set in, like, yesterday morning as I realised:

Holy shit.
College in one week. Seven days.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF?
And did I really just curse in my head? Bad Melissa.
Hm. I haven't had breakfast yet.
Those strawberries look super delish...

Because really strange things run through my head when I'm hungry and tired.

So yeah. That's the gist of it. I'm terrified. Because I feel like I'm leaving so many loose ends behind, like there are all these knots I didn't untie, puzzles I didn't put together, tasks I didn't finish, people I didn't reconcile with, etc.

I'm not usually haunted by the things I do, but rather the things I DON'T do. It's overwhelming. Like when I miss the chance to sit with that lonely-looking kid at lunch...guilt. When I see someone throw trash on the ground and I walk by...guilt. If I watch someone bearing a heavy weight, and I don't offer to help...guilt.

I dunno if this is a "me" thing or what. It's just built in, I guess. I've always felt this inherent need to help people...even when I myself was drowning. It was like someone else's weakness gave me a reason to be strong.

It's like...if I could turn back time and start over, knowing what I know now, I would. So many relationships I could have saved, so many friendships I could have created, so many lonely kids I could have sat with, pieces of trash I could have picked up, so much emotional baggage I could have helped carry.

I feel like I just wasted my time.

I was so busy trying to please other people that I didn't bother trying to please the One that mattered. I was busy working hard to impress my teachers, getting over-extended to impress colleges, infiltrating social circles to impress other students (hey, this one worked pretty well in the end...I walked away fairly well-networked), and driving myself out of my mind with extra-curriculars to impress my parents.

Let's leave the "blahblahblah to impress boys" aspect out of this, because I royally failed this one. Haha. Aw. Depressed.

So here I am. On the brink of what seems insane. Starting over. Somewhere foreign. Just me, myself, and my dead hypothalamus. Because my sleeping and eating patterns haven't been the same for a couple weeks. Stress does that to me.

I'm just scared. And you know what? ALL I WANT IS A DAMN HUG. Seriously. A hug. That's all I want. I want hugs, everywhere, from everyone. I just want someone to look me in the eye and tell me that I'll be okay, because I've worked hard for this, for years. Because I'm prepared. Because I'm not alone. Because they're there for me.

Man, I need to work on this dependency on other people thing. It's pathetic.

I just hate weakness. And I see this fear as a huge weakness. Like, why can't I be self-sufficient? Why can't I have a little bit of extra faith in myself? Why am I so afraid of people that can't hurt me any more than I let them?

I'm a coward. I act like a lion, but I'm a quivery little mouse under the mane.

More than anything, right now I just want to transfer to the U of A (I know, I know, shut up) so I can be close to my friends, close to what's small and familiar. Because I could flourish here. I already have. This is where I sank my roots in, and now I'm ripping them all out. I guess that was my mistake: getting attached. That's ALWAYS my mistake. When will I learn?

I'm uprooting myself, moving five hours away from friends and home, and diving headfirst into the grossly unfamiliar. Nobody's gonna visit me. Nobody's gonna call me. Nobody's gonna send me mail.

This post needs to end. Before I go say something REALLY important or personal.

Oh, and dear Reader, you can send me post at college at this address:

Melissa Maguire
Southern Methodist University
3140 Dyer Street
P.O. Box 753968
Dallas, TX 75275

I would love you forever and ever if you did. I already do. Just because you read this. You are special.

If you're ever alone, then your heart will know, it can call to mine. I'll be at your side.

m.

P.S. Edamame is lousy when it's only half-thawed and over-salted. This combination of panic and salt is gonna make me sick...